"Should've Been A Cowboy"

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Part 1 - Romantic vs. Rational

(tuesday morning)

last week i got the idea that i would make taryn a cd full of “lovy dovy” music. not the mushy kind, but the happy up beat kind. since she loves country music that it what i planned on making it of. so i went through my music library and found about 90 possible songs which i needed to listen to find the 20 or so that i would put on the cd. over the weekend i narrowed it down to 42 and finally 23. i even made a cd cover with a list of the songs on it.

sunday i called taryn to find out how her weekend went, but she didn't call me back. no big deal right? monday evening i gave her a call to find out if i could take her to lunch tuesday, but once again she didn't call me back. from what i know of taryn this isn't like her so i started to worry a bit. i started to wonder if something had happened to her or a family member. this morning, tuesday morning, i called her work to find out if everything was okay, and she said it was and that she was going to call me later that afternoon. then i asked if she would like for me to take her out to lunch and she said "i don't think so." to further confirm what was going through my mind i asked if we were still on for that night and she replied in a meek and sympathetic voice, "no." since she was at work i wasn't going to have her give me the speech that i knew would be coming, thus i told her that we could talk about it later.

at this point i was sad. though i hadn't been told that after 3 1/2 weeks of having an awesome time together it wasn't going to work out. i knew that is what was coming. after having a stressful day monday this wasn't what i wanted going through my mind and i knew that i needed to vent some of the stress that i was experiencing so i put on my running shoes, stretched, and took off running. after getting back from my run i felt better physically, but i was still sad. at this point i laid on my living room floor and prayed to God. i told God that though i hadn't heard it from taryn i pretty much knew what she was going to tell me later today and i wasn't going to pray that my thoughts weren't true. instead i prayed that God's will be done. despite my free will i do not own myself. for it is from him i came and to him i will go, and though i hardly understand why events happen the way they do, it is for a purpose far greater than i can see.

i've taken a few personality test over the past few years and it has been confirmed that i am a romantic, and that romantics are willing to fall flat on their face trying to find love. speaking from experience i can say that this is true. as i sit here and type this i can't help but be thankful for the time that i had with taryn during our fire cracker relationship, and i'm even more thankful that i only had to fall from the height of a bottle rocket and not a space ship in orbit. i've been in that space ship before and let me tell you, it hurts when it hits the ground. now as i sit here i struggle over the decision of whether or not to take the cd i made for taryn the 48 miles to her mail box. the romantic in me says to do it. it was made from the heart and it will make a statement as to how you feel. the rational part of my mind is telling me not to waste my time. that is 96 miles round trip for a girl that obviouly doesn't feel the same about you. normally my rational side wins hands down, but today is different. this isn't a cd or dvd we are talking about. i do not long for a cd or dvd like i long to be loved by a woman.


At 3/01/2006 12:22 AM, Anonymous YayCoffee said...

I'm sorry. That sucks.


At 3/01/2006 6:36 AM, Anonymous audrey said...

I'm sending you HUGS too!! You are right, God's will will be done and it is just hard sometimes to give that up to faith. Hang in there sweet jlay, your true love will come along one day:)

At 3/01/2006 9:23 AM, Blogger MOL Junior said...

sorry to hear that buddy.

At 3/01/2006 1:05 PM, Anonymous Lindsey said...

ok so Amber told me what happened, but that I needed to read the blog to understand. I'm sorry. I really hope you DID NOT drive all the way to her house to give her that cd. I mean, I'm as romantic as the next girl, but that's a lot of gas money! U should use that gas money to come home & hang out w/ us Burkies! I really am sorry! I'll talk to you later! Love ya!! ~Lynz

At 3/01/2006 2:18 PM, Blogger JASClark said...


This is a pretty raw post. It hurt to keep reading it, but I couldn't stop.

And good job avoiding painful mud-slinging.

At 3/01/2006 11:57 PM, Blogger kerri said...

i honestly couldn't read the whole thing. it hurt my heart. :( hang in there!!!


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