"Should've Been A Cowboy"

Monday, March 12, 2007

True Friends, Home, & God

i haven't developed a close friend in a while now. i have people in my life that i have a great connection with and that i consider close or even best friends, but i live too far away from them to be fed the way i desire to be. since moving to the dfw area 7 1/2 years ago i've made one good connection. it was a year after i moved to dallas and it was with a woman that i dated for nearly 2 years, but our connection has faded over the past 4 years due to several factors that i don't see any point in addressing.

i can't help but wonder how i can live in a city for over 7 years and not have a close friend. i ponder on the possibility that i'm doing something wrong. what that is i don't know for sure, but surely it must be something. i'm not an introvert. i have lots of friends that i've met through chruch and work since i've been in the dfw area. i make it a point to spend time with them in large groups, small groups, and some on an individual basis, but allas none are what i would consider a close friend. i don't feel that i have a deep connection with any of them.

recently i've had thoughts about moving back to my home town. where i would be closer to my family and one of my two best friends. i have two things that keep me from moving home. one is my brother, who now lives with me while he attends college. the second is a wonderful business opportunity that has me on the path of achieving my dreams of financial freedom.

i recently, about a month ago, started visiting a church on sunday mornings that is much closer to my home and much larger than my current church. just last week i even plugged into a small group there in hopes of making some new friends and possibly a few close ones. friendship isn't the only reason i've started visiting a new church. i feel that i have reach a plateau in my relationship with God and i feel i need a mentor to help me grow. i don't feel that there is anyone at my current chruch that i can view in that role. i also have missed the upbeat praise music that we use to sing at church. what happened to it? i don't know, but i do know that what we've been singing for the past couple of years isn't where i'm at in my walk with God and it doesn't reflect how i feel about Him. i've wanted to tell my friends at church that i've been visiting another church, but i've had trouble bringing myself to do just that. it feels a lot like telling a girlfriend that you just want to be friends, and for me that ain't easy. i wonder if any of my friends have noticed me slowly breaking my ties to responsibility at church. i stepped down from the leadership team in august and i've announced that i'm stepping down from the budget team at the end of march.

i know of a couple of friends that will read this blog and possibly freak out. if you are one of these friends reading this before i actually told you this face to face. please, don't freak out. i'm not trying to burn a bridge or join the witness protection program. i'm only trying to grow to be the man God wants me to be.


At 3/15/2007 8:38 PM, Blogger Rya said...

I hope you find what your looking for. :)

At 4/25/2007 12:40 PM, Blogger The Cynical Tyrant said...

jlay, i haven't read your blog in awhile. but i can say that i understand what you are looking for and how you are feeling.

i hope things go better for you.


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